As I sit here reading various blogs from close friends and family, to my new found Williams buddies across the country I have never met, I become very disturbed. I realize very quickly how self-centered and shallow I really am. All these amazing mothers who are home for their children at all times I am amazed and inspired by. I have always worked. When Brynlee was born, I took 10 days off work and went back full time. Cole was going to school, so I worked to pay for his education. When Haivyn was born I took 6 weeks off then worked part time for 6 months and back to full-time.
Would I rather be home with my girls? Without a doubt! So why do I work you ask? Because we are selfish. I don't want to go back to the poor house! If I want to buy a pair of shoes, I love the liberty of knowing I can. I love the fact that Brynlee is the cutest girl at preschool, not to mention the best dressed. I love having a cute house, and not having to keep a checkbook. But at what sacrifice? Brynlee is 4.5, delayed, and full of special needs, yet how many times have we ever worked with her? Zero! No speech, no fine motor, no gross motor, nothing. It's sad that the most she gets is 8-10 hours a day of disney and sprout. She should learn something from that, right? All I can say is Thank You to amazing preschool teachers, because we all know it wasn't learned at home!
This is something that has been bothering me for quite some time, and I feel like it drags me into a constant state of depression. I have come to despise my job for the precious things it robs me of. But even more than that, it bothers me that I am not eagerly sacrificing the shackles which got me here in the first place. I will always have to work just to pay the basic bills. It's one of the perks of having an educator for a husband. Who really cares about the new trailor, truck, brand of clothes, etc? Me and only me! In the eternal perspective of life all that will matter is the time I have spent with my family and the relationships that I have created. So why do I have such a hard time having an attitude of gratitude? Why do I feel that my success as a mother and person is based on the things that I provide for my children, and not the time I spend with them? I would like to believe that if I will make the sacrifice I will be blessed, but I find it so difficult to make that leap of faith. I have a hard time surrendering all the things of life that I have worked so hard for. Why? Because I don't want to see my husband or kids ever have to go without! So instead I sacrifice that which is far more important. How very bothersome!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
Oh Jan- you are a great mommy. every decision has its set backs and its blessings. if you quit your job there would be other things you would have to deal with too. don't beat yourself up. you are an excellent mommy.
besides i thought it would be fantastic to quit my job after i had leila and i find myself bored a lot... and it is kind of depressing to be alone all of the time. i guess we only have one car so it keeps me home a lot... my whole point is it is much harder than i thought that it would be.
don't be sad- you are a great mommy and your girls love you. :)
Go without what? I live a very simple life, I do work but my job is crazy flexible to it allows me to be with Avery, a lot! Do I want more sure, do I need more stuff, naw. BUT, that being said, you are who you are and if you can honestly say this stuff is important then great! Hey knowing who you are and what you want is so very important. You know you could always work part time or share a job? I need to work, and I like to work, I am just blessed to have such a flexible job and get the best of both worlds. And still broke(:
xoxo
Amy
We do the best we can with what we have at the time and that is all we can do. Dont feel guilty, none of us can ever feel we have or are doing everything and we would go totally nuts trying to - then what use are we?
take care,
Katie
I think as mom's we all feel like we fall short most of the time. It is the lovely "guilt trip" mechanism God instilled in us. I worked all of my life until Noah was born. He will be 3 and I just recently went back to work part time. It really doesn't pay well, but things had become a such a struggle that it was time. When I was home I think there were days I didn't sit and work on something with Noah. Don't beat yourself up. You know what is best for you and your family.
Hey-definitely don't beat yourself up. I work full time too. My husband doesn't have benefits with his job, so I work for the insurance. I'll also admit that it gives me some time to recup from the sometimes chaotic nights we have with Payton. Any time I struggle with the fact that I work full time and feel that I should be home more with the kids, Bob reminds me that he thinks I have more "quality" time with the kids. Even though it's not more "quantity of time", the quality of time I spend with them is better. Does this make sense? Everyone knows what works best for them and raising a special needs child is definitely not the easiest. Do what works well for you - and never ever doubt that you aren't a great mom. You are wonderful and you're children are very blessed to have you!
Jan, Im not going to lie. That was a relatively depressing post to read. Are you okay? I understand... well no not really I don't understand. I am almost exact opposite of you. We have very little money, but I do get to stay home with Eli practically everyday which is great and wonderful, but at the same time, I way wish that I could spoil him more and buy things on a whime without double checking our accounts to make sure its okay. So honestly, there is no answer. Every situation has both its ups and its downs. You are a great mom and your girls know that. We really do need to get together sometime. Are you going to be down for the holidays or the Lake party. Let me know. Anyways, I love you and call if you ever need anything.
Love,
Joni
Jan I need your address. If you could -mail it to me that would be great!
Shara
thebriggs15@yahoo.com
Hey Jan!
It's me! Mavis! how are ya? I just came across your blog! It's amazing how I've come into contact with so many lost friends. I hope you don't mind! I see you had another baby girl! I can't believe how fast Brynlee is growing. It seems like just yesterday you were carrying her in your belly, we were playing phase 10 and eating rice crispy treats at Kolob. Wow! Anyhow I'm so glad your doing good! you'll have to keep in touch if you want!!
You will work it out in your own time. Just follow what makes you happy.....
I am good! I miss Utah tho. Arizona is so different. But I'm getting used to it. We just got married last year. Enjoyed our first year of marriage. No babies yet. We want some tho!
Where are you living now?? How have you been? Are you planning on more kiddos??
Don't be a stranger! I'm gonna add your blog to mine. Keep in touch!!
It really is good to hear from you! I haven't found Kami B. or Andrea P. I miss those two girls too!! Do you remember the pickled potato chips?? I haven't seen those around here. Must be a Utah thing. lol.
Anyhow! ttyl!
Jan--i don't know if you remember me, but i know how you feel when it comes to wanting more time with your kids. My little boy is now 15months old and I feel like I have missed 14.5 months of it. You are not alone in feeling inadequate as a mom, i think we all do. Just remember that you are doing the best you can with what you know and your kids will love you regardless because you provided them with the best life you could! Keep your chin up--i am sure are doing great!!
april young (ezell)
Post a Comment