Sam 2 Years Old
12 years ago
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Another growing moment...
Yesterday, I took Brynlee to her first birthday party! She brought the invite home from school and I didn't think anything about it! The next day, with a serious face, she looked at me and said, "Mom, can I go to Logan's birthday party?" I honestly had no idea what she was talking about. Then I remembered the invite which was, to Logan's birthday party. For a week straight, she wouldn't quit talking about it! I was excited for her to experience this, but oh so nervous for her. So I decided that I was going to stay with her, but hide out in the background. Rediculous, I know, but I didn't know if his mom knew about Brynlee and her lack of social boundaries, or her ability to destroy EVERYTHING in a matter of seconds, etc.... Luckily, grandma came right before and took Haivyn, or I'd have been doomed! So we show up at the birthday party, and I go hide in the corner. There were about 15 kids, this kids mom and 8 year old brother. Can we say chaos? As I sat in the corner, I was immediately overwhelmed, once again, at the difference. I remembered this is why I don't allow her to go play at other kids houses or ever leave our comfortable bubble. In our own environment, life is bliss! I suppose I am still in denial. I sat there and fought back tears like I do everytime I see her with other kids. As they sat and listened to the book, she was staring off into space shouting out random thoughts. I couldn't handle it! I so bad wanted to pick her up, take her home and hold her. More for my benefit than for hers. As they broke up into groups I decided to leave and hope for the best. I try not to think about her and life's many challenges because ignorance is bliss, right? But for how long? As she gets older she wants to be involved and do things other kids do. She wants to go to dance and play with other kids, and I know that I am by no means helping her by restricting her. But it's how I handle it and I am losing my sense of control. I so bad want to protect her from ever being hurt or the butt end of a joke. I thought I had gone through all the stages of grieving and realized that it will never get easy, yet it seems like more now than ever I find myself at rock bottom. I know that there will be many more of these growing moments, so I must quit feeling sorry for myself, peel myself off the floor, brush off and wipe the tears and hope that tomorrow is a brighter day. I just wish it were that easy.
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13 comments:
When I was reading your post, it brought me back to the times I have felt the exact same way. I deal with it like you.....ignorance is bliss. When we don't go to the parties or get-togethers I forget that payton is delayed. When it's just our family, everything is just normal. it's tough - and like you said, I think there will always be grieving. I thought it would get easier, but it seems to be a process that I'm continually trying to work through.
Thinking of you,
Tara
what a sweet blessing she is in your life. and bless your heart for being such a good mom.
Janis! I feel your pain. Last night I was bawling in the car because I've noticed Wells isn't grabbing his right foot or using his right hand very much lately. I lost it when I "remembered" that there was a problem, that is wasn't going away, and that I still needed to deal with it. Like you said, at home everything is fine, but how do you let them go out into the world and be challenged and shot down. I love you guys so much! Really- I look you often to help me deal with my own challenges with Wells. You are truely a great mom. Maybe someday I'll get there too.
That was such a touching post. I know you are the greatest mom out there. I love that you are willing to put her growth and interest above your own desires. That is amazing. I can't even imagine how hard that would be.
I have to agree with Tara, I feel the same way. Hang in there.
Oh Janis I am sorry. I know how hard it must be for you. I have a friend who's daughter is downs and she goes through this everytime she has to be "normal". You truely are such a strong person and I know you have heard it 10000000 times, but our heavenly father must know your level of strength, he's entrusted to your care the raising of one of his precious spirits. Thank you for these posts. It made me all teary eyed. take care!
I am so comforted that I am not the only one having trouble with this. I think I always will. I am glad you did it for her but know how it feels.
It just plain hurts.
What a strong woman you must be to be blessed with such a wonderful little spirit! You must posess some extremely compassionate and caring qualities to have the opportunity to raise such a sweet girl. It must be hard, and this post really touched me. People probably understand and accept her more than you think they do, even little kids. You are awesome, keep going. Anyway, I made my blog private too. If you want to be added to it send you email to me at jodirae27@hotmail.com. Have a great day!
Jan, thanks for your post. It really hit home for me, for a lot of reasons, but one because of my nephew who has similar struggles in that you'd never know it from the outset, but he just doesn't quite understand the crazy world out there. Anyway, along with everyone else, I think you are wonderful! Keep on keeping on and just know that there are tons of us out here who think the world of you and Cole! :)
PS I love your hair. :)
All I can say is you're such a great mom! It must be so hard to see her in those situations. I can't imagine. Good luck with everything! :)
I don't know how you do it? You are such a great mom! Good Luck Call me when you come to Delta!
Those are the same feelings I get at get togethers and birthday parties. I think in large part, it is the reason for my dread of the upcoming holiday season. Too many nieces that are close to Abi's age but not close to her development and it breaks my heart.
At least we are all in this together.
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